Deborah Tannen

men grow up in a world where conversation is competitive, they seek the upper hand and try to dominate and prevent others from dominating them.

A place where people gain status and try to keep it

 women engage in communication to create relationships and maintain them, they gain confirmation and support and seek connection

they see the world as a network of connections seeking support and consensus

men seek conflict, act as passive listeners, do not ask as many questions as they see it as a weakness, are concerned with status and focus on doing things independently

women talk in private, ask questions to find out more and build a relationship, run from conflict and think in terms of closeness and support

e.g. a woman might check with her husband to have a guest stay over as she likes being able to say she had to ask him whereas the husband may not ask his wife first because telling the friend he has to check with his wife would result in a loss of status and dominance

To men, a complaint is a request to find a solution whereas to women, a complaint is a request for sympathy

men- instrumental approach; they talk to get things done

women- rational approach; thye talk to interact with others

e.g. if you say you are sick and your husband offers to take you to the doctors, this is not the most beneficial answer for a woman as they are usually seeking sympathy rather than a solution

historically, men's concerns were seen as more important than women's, however, in this day and age this can be reversed as now factual information is not seen as important compared to emotions and elaboration

men see displaying emotion as a sign of weakness, whereas women see displaying emotion as a sign of wanting to develop bonds with people and learn things about each other

women often phrase their requests in indirect ways; for example 'let's' or 'shouldn't we?' as men prefer to hear and use direct imperatives

each gender has its own list of preferred topics and vocabulary and they use language differently; women use the rational approach, talking in order to interact with others whereas men use the instrumental approach; talking in order to get things done

In trying to prevent fights, some women refuse to oppose the will of others openly, but sometimes it is far more effective for a woman to assert herself, even at the risk of conflict

when a decision seems unattractive to a male, he will often resist vocally whereas a woman may appear to agree but will complain subsequently 

in trying to prevent fights, some women refuse to oppose the will of others openly, but sometimes it is far more effective for a woman to assert herself, even at the risk of conflict

when a decision seems unattractive to a male, he will often resist vocally whereas a woman may appear to agree but will complain subsequently 

summary of a man

• uses conflict as a short cut to gaining status
• use interruptions for power
• talk in public forms
• do not ask questions
• do not show emotions as this is seen as a weakness
• often tell jokes or stories in a 3rd person objective form
• takes an authoritative or expert stance which sets them above others and discourages interruption

summary of a woman 

• more likely to comply than a man
• will listen for long peroids of time without interrupting
• will provide empathy as well as searching for hooks
• deep drive for connections
• display emotional elements
• talk more about feelings, relationships and people
• talk more in private conversations
• work hard to avoid conflict

• communications between genders are in a cross-cultural format
• women use rapport talk to establish a meaningful connection with others
• men use report talk to gain status in relation to others

rapport talk promotes social affilliations and emotional connection whereas report talk is a style focussed on exchanging information with little emotional input

goal of the genderlect theory: to acknowledge and appreciate the language of the opposit sex and achieve mutual respect and understanding