The Founding of Athens

So, the story goes that this king, Crecops, had founded the city and wasn't sure what to name it. so athena and poseidon flew in and said (probably in unison): "IF I GIVE U A BETTER THING THAN points @ other god: THAT SCUMBAG, U GET TO NAME THE CITY AFTER ME!!!"

so, poseidon hits the ground with his trident and made a really good water spring! except it wasn't THAT good, because it was salt water...

then athena walk in and a tree grows! it's an olive tree! olive trees are really useful because of their fruit, wood and oil! so the city was named athens, after athena!

So Aegus, king of athens (yeah ik this is the founding and it already exists???) and aethra, daughter of the king of troezen, slept together 

then aethra got a message sent in a dream from athena that she should go to the island of sphairia and lie close to the troezen shore. once there poseidon slept with her. :/

so she was defenitely pregnant, and apparently both aegus and poseidon was the dad.

aegus went back to athens and when the kid (theseus) was worthy he would lift a rock and get a sword and sandals. theuseus did just that and had to go back to athens.

the sea route was safe and short, the land one perilous. which explains why he took the land route. GENIUS.

this land route was full of challenges, just like heracles, but heracles had to do the labours and theseus was signing up for them.

So this labour there was a thief called sinis who would tie his victims to the bent ends of pine trees then release the trees so they would be torn apart. I HATE THIS it's so nasty ://////

in the 1st version, theseus asks sinis to help him bend a tree, then released the tree so sinis got catapulted into the sky and died.

in the 2nd version theseus ties sinis to two trees and he gets torn apart (sinis not theseus)

after all that, theseus slept with sinis' daughter, perigune. yk, bc when u kill smn's dad, they're just all over u.

So there was this wild pig (or a beasty old lady theif called piggy) called the crommyonian sow, and theseus seeks it out (as in, he wasn't even provoked) and he slews it. just that simple.

So Scrion was this old man (everyone's old or a pig or a theif in this land route...) who would ask passers to wash his feet, they would do so (i wouldn't) and then he would kick them into the sea, and be eaten by a gigantic turtle.

theseus threw the old man into the sea and he (scrion not theseus) was eaten by the giant turtle.

so cercyon was the king of eleusis. he would challenge random ppl to wrestling matches, and the winner would become king of eleusis. (he desperately needs a hobby)

so theseus obviously wins and becomes king, but he continues on to athens.

basically procrustes was this dude who had a 'magic' bed to 'perfectly fit' anybody, hint he's a liar. if ur too tall, he'll chop ur head and feet off. if ur too short, he'll use his mallet to stretch u.

theseus got procrustes to lie in the bed to 'test' it, then theseus lopped his head off. 

He got to Athens! once there, his dad is under control of the witch medea! :O 

so he doesn't reveal himself as aegus' son. but medea puts 2+2 together. she made him 'prove his heroism' by defeating the bull of marathon, which he did easily.

then medea tries to poison theseus during the sacrifice, but theseus pulls his sword out like he's going to cut the meat with it, the aegeus recognises him and knocked over the poison. i assume it burns a hole in the floor or something because she was regonised as evil and had to fleeee!

hunger games fans will see some similarities here...

so every year minos, king of crete, got 7 athenian boys and 7 athenian boys sent to the labyrinth where his son-not-son, half-bull-half-person MINOTAUR was. 

so theseus VOLUNTEERS (it's like katniss but maybe even dumber)

and minos' daughter, ariadne falls ✨desperately in love✨ with him and gives him string. theseus defeats the minotaur. he does not go out with ariadne.

on the way back he was supposed to put a white sail up if he was still alive but he just "forgot" and his dad was so upset bc he thought his son was dead he threw himself off a cliff and DIED the end no not rlly

theseus was a vv good king of athens. he unified all the regions near athens and made them athens too. 

he did democracy (he was still king)

and he made the panathenaic games, like a lame version of the olympics.

so he dies as all ppl do at some point.

his tomb was a sancturary and place of refuge for runaway slave and poor ppl and ppl afriad of ppl in power bc theseus was like that in his life (i'm srry but he was a king so no not rlly just roll with it)

and he was heracles' buddy