hey well i write quite alot of poems that really relate to how i feel so i was wondering what ya' all thought off my poems please feel free to put any comments :) x

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the pages off my life are tatterted and worn

 as i look in his face and watch the smile appear

 i paint the smile to show im okai when hes gone

 the paint fades away and darkness fills the pages and im alone ..

.i wish and wish i can be there with him to make the pages brighter but he drives to the place he calls home and the darkness remains

 without him im not me i wish my parents would see what they are doing to me :'(

bethany may teale

11 mcm

easingwold secondry school

Posted: 23-04-11 18:17 by bethanymay

That's good stuff! :D

The choice of words go well to describe the feeling and emotion beind the poem, which is what I (, myself) like in a poem.

...

Just a small little thing, hope you don't mind.:S

But, I think the parents bit isn't slotted in as well and effectively as the others.

You're talking about the pain of losing him, and then you're talking about your parents, and the pain they are causing you.

For the reader to feel your pain, and the pain of losing him- we'd like to see how immense the pain of him ALONE is. When you're adding more stuff, it's like, it was never about him.

The poem is great though! :D

Sorry, just my opinion. What do you think?

Posted: 25-04-11 17:31 by Rhanid

yeh its a good poem..clearly expressses how ur feeling =]

Posted: 29-04-11 19:09 by ~>>Anisah<<~

WOW that was really good!! Not to be personal but is it true?

It almost made me cry when I read the last line!!!! I can completely see where you are coming from if it is coming out of some deep, unseen place inside you.

Is it about divorce and how you are living with your mum but your happy when you see your dad or you act happy knowing that it's all going to end soon enough, but the smile fades when he leaves because you want him to stay forever or live with him or something :(

That's deep girl!!! Real deep!! Seriously blinking back tears here :( Really good :)

Posted: 17-05-11 16:00 by Zoeeee

yeahhh this is pretty good, but like on of the above comments says, about the parents bit, but other than that it really got me thinking about the meaning. its really cute :)

Posted: 03-03-12 17:16 by Gabby Tracey