Could you please give opinions on this poem..?

  • 0 votes

If people like it, I might use it for my S/L assessment (hence the lack of punctuation):

When you were put upon this earth
My mum felt she was blessed
But when she lost you she found her heart
Was ripped out from her chest

You were her only child and now
you'd left her on her own
she cried her lonely tears and she
felt never more alone

I cannot compare how I feel
with how she felt back then
She experienced pain she hoped and prayed
she'd never feel again

But that's not to say that I don't miss
the times we might have had
I missed out on the chance to love you
and that makes me so sad

You're something missing in my life
there's a void where you should be
I wish you could be here right now
to love and care for me

People say you cannot miss
something you never knew
But mum yearns for the child she lost
And I feel that longing too

I hope that wherever you are
You here this little speech
And I hope the place in which you rest
is somewhere mum can reach

NB: This poem is in memory of my 'big' brother Daniel, who died of SIDS when he was just 6 months old,5 years before I was born. RIP x

Posted Sun 15th April, 2012 @ 14:20 by Shannon Tennant-Smith - Team GR

1 Answer

  • 1 vote

It's a lovely poem :) You could try the part where you say "and that makes me so sad" 4th stanza last line, try another word other than sad, sad is too plain, simple choose another word for emotive language .

Hope it helped :)

Answered Sun 15th April, 2012 @ 15:29 by Meghna